Archive for: Advice

Reviewed by Austin Stokes, PsyD

Anxiety is a natural response to stress, but when feelings of fear or worry become overwhelming and interfere with daily life, it may be time to seek help. Anxiety disorders, including General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), affect millions of people, but effective solutions are available. Psychotherapy is a powerful tool that helps individuals manage their anxiety and regain control over their thoughts, feelings, and actions.

This article explores how psychotherapy, combined with strategies like deep breathing, regular exercise, and progressive muscle relaxation, can reduce anxiety and foster a sense of calm.

Understanding Anxiety and Its Impact

Anxiety can manifest in many ways, from physical symptoms like rapid heart rate, muscle tension, digestive issues and sweating during a panic attack to persistent worry and racing thoughts. For some, anxiety might be triggered by specific situations, while others may experience it as a constant undercurrent in their lives. No matter the form it takes, anxiety can feel isolating, impairing and exhausting.

Common anxiety disorders include:

• General Anxiety Disorder (GAD): Persistent worry about various aspects of life, from work to relationships.
• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Recurrent, intrusive thoughts that drive compulsive behaviors aimed at reducing distress.
• Panic Disorder: Sudden and intense episodes of fear, often accompanied by physical symptoms like chest pain or shortness of breath.

Understanding the different ways anxiety can affect the mind and body is the first step toward finding effective coping skills.

How Psychotherapy Helps Manage Anxiety

Psychotherapy, often referred to as talk therapy, provides a safe and supportive space for individuals to explore their thoughts and feelings. Guided by trained mental health professionals, therapy sessions focus on identifying the underlying causes of anxiety and developing personalized strategies to manage it.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): A Proven Approach

One of the most effective forms of therapy for anxiety is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). This evidence-based approach helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns that contribute to anxiety. By reframing these thoughts, clients learn healthier ways to respond to stressors.

For example, if someone feels anxious about public speaking, CBT might help them replace thoughts like “I’ll embarrass myself” with “I’ve prepared well, and I can handle this.” Over time, this shift in perspective reduces anxiety and builds confidence.

Practicing Mindfulness in Therapy

Mindfulness techniques, often incorporated into therapy, encourage individuals to focus on the present moment rather than ruminating on past worries or future uncertainties. This can be especially helpful during a panic attack, as mindfulness brings attention back to the here and now.

Techniques like progressive muscle relaxation—a method of tensing and releasing muscle groups to alleviate tension—and deep breathing exercises are often introduced in therapy sessions. These practices calm the nervous system and make it easier to manage your anxiety during stressful situations.

Complementary Strategies to Reduce Anxiety

While psychotherapy provides the foundation for managing anxiety, combining it with healthy lifestyle changes can enhance its effectiveness. Here are some additional strategies that can support therapy for managing anxiety:

1. Regular Exercise and Physical Activity

Engaging in regular exercise is a natural way to reduce anxiety. Physical activity releases endorphins, which improve mood and help alleviate stress. Whether it’s a brisk walk, a yoga session, or a favorite sport, incorporating movement into daily life can significantly impact mental health in a positive way.

2. Developing Coping Skills

Therapists often help clients build a toolkit of coping skills to manage anxiety in real-time. These might include grounding exercises, journaling, and or visualization techniques that bring clarity and calm during moments of distress.

3. Building Support Networks

Connecting with others who share similar experiences can be incredibly reassuring. Support groups provide a space to share challenges, exchange coping strategies, and find encouragement. Additionally, leaning on friends and family for emotional support helps reduce feelings of isolation and fosters a sense of belonging.

4. Incorporating Mindfulness Practices

Beyond therapy sessions, practicing mindfulness independently can have a profound effect on anxiety. Activities like meditation, mindful eating, or simply taking a few minutes to focus on the breath can bring peace and clarity to even the busiest days.

The Journey to Managing Anxiety

Managing anxiety is a journey that requires patience and commitment. Psychotherapy plays a central role in this process by equipping individuals with the tools and insights needed to confront their anxiety and regain control of their lives.

For instance, someone with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder may work with their therapist to identify triggers and develop strategies to resist compulsive behaviors. Over time, they may find themselves less controlled by their thoughts and more empowered to focus on their goals and aspirations.

Similarly, individuals with General Anxiety Disorder can learn to navigate daily worries through techniques like cognitive restructuring and practicing mindfulness. These tools not only reduce anxiety but also foster resilience and emotional well-being.

Take the First Step Toward Calm

If you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed, please know that you’re not alone. Anxiety is a common challenge, but with the right support, it’s possible to break free from its grip and rediscover a sense of calm.

Start by reaching out to a mental health professional to explore therapy for anxiety. Whether you choose cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness-based therapy, or another approach, taking that first step can make all the difference. Incorporate complementary strategies like deep breathing, regular exercise, and progressive muscle relaxation into your daily life to enhance the benefits of therapy.

Finally, consider joining a support group or confiding in friends and family for additional encouragement. Together, we can build a community that prioritizes mental health and supports individuals on their journey to well-being.

Take action today — your path to calm begins with a single step. Share this article with someone who might benefit, and let’s continue the conversation about mental health and wellness.

In today’s fast-paced world, the challenges of managing anxiety and depression are more prevalent than ever. Anxiety disorders and depression are among the most common mental health conditions worldwide, impacting millions of people daily. Thankfully, psychotherapy has proven to be an effective way to manage these conditions, offering hope to those struggling with negative thoughts, worry, and various depression symptoms. This article will explore how different types of therapy, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy, can help alleviate symptoms of anxiety and depression, making way for a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Understanding Anxiety and Depression: Common Mental Health Conditions

Anxiety and depression are two distinct but often overlapping mental health conditions. Anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and social anxiety, are marked by excessive worry, restlessness, and heightened nervousness, while depression is characterized by persistent sadness, low energy, and loss of interest in daily activities. Both conditions can lead to significant distress and impaired functioning, particularly if left untreated.

Mental health professionals emphasize that, although these conditions are complex, they are also treatable. Effective treatment for depression and therapies that treat anxiety exist, and with the right approach, individuals can find substantial relief from their symptoms.

The Importance of Psychotherapy in Treating Anxiety and Depression

Psychotherapy, commonly known as talk therapy, is one of the most effective forms of treatment for anxiety and depression. Unlike medication, which addresses symptoms on a biochemical level, psychotherapy focuses on the thoughts, behaviors, and emotions underlying mental health issues. Through various forms of therapy, mental health professionals guide individuals toward a deeper understanding of their mental health and provide practical strategies to manage their symptoms.

Psychotherapy is invaluable in treating both anxiety and depression because it not only addresses the symptoms but also empowers individuals to take control of their mental health. Learning how to manage depression and anxiety effectively requires time, effort, and, often, the guidance of a trained therapist.

Key Psychotherapies for Anxiety and Depression

Several types of therapy have been shown to effectively treat anxiety and depression. Each approach offers unique benefits and may work better for specific symptoms or mental health conditions.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is one of the most widely used treatments for both anxiety and depression. This type of therapy operates on the premise that negative thoughts contribute to emotional distress and maladaptive behaviors. By identifying and challenging these negative thought patterns, individuals can learn healthier ways to respond to situations that would otherwise trigger anxiety or depression symptoms.

CBT has a structured, problem-solving approach that is particularly effective for individuals with generalized anxiety disorder or depression. For instance, a person experiencing symptoms of social anxiety might work with a therapist to pinpoint the negative thoughts and beliefs fueling their anxiety, such as fears of judgment or failure. Once identified, these beliefs are systematically challenged and replaced with more balanced, realistic thoughts. Research has shown that CBT can significantly reduce both anxiety and depression symptoms, helping people regain control over their lives.

Exposure Therapy

Exposure therapy is another powerful approach, particularly for treating anxiety disorders such as social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder. Exposure therapy involves gradually facing feared situations or stimuli to reduce the anxiety they cause over time. For example, a person with social anxiety may practice engaging in social situations, starting with low-stakes interactions and gradually working up to more challenging encounters. This approach allows the individual to experience situations without the intense anxiety typically associated with them, leading to greater confidence and reduced symptoms.

Exposure therapy works by helping individuals desensitize themselves to fear triggers, thereby reducing the overall impact of anxiety in their lives. By tackling anxiety step-by-step, individuals can manage their symptoms more effectively and ultimately build a greater sense of self-assurance in challenging situations.

Interpersonal Therapy (IPT)

Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) is a form of therapy that focuses on improving relationships and interpersonal skills. This approach is particularly beneficial for individuals whose depression symptoms are strongly tied to relationship conflicts, grief, or social isolation. IPT aims to help individuals understand how their relationships impact their mental health and learn skills to communicate and connect more effectively with others.

Improving relationships can be a powerful tool in managing both anxiety and depression, as supportive social connections are known to be protective factors for mental health. By addressing issues like unresolved conflict or grief, IPT can reduce depression symptoms and help individuals cultivate more fulfilling relationships.

Problem-Solving Therapy

Problem-solving therapy is a goal-oriented type of therapy that empowers individuals to address and manage specific issues in their lives that contribute to anxiety and depression. Through this approach, individuals learn to tackle obstacles systematically, breaking them down into manageable steps. For those struggling with depression and anxiety, learning effective problem-solving skills can be incredibly empowering, as it provides them with a sense of control over their circumstances.

In this therapy, mental health professionals guide individuals to focus on practical strategies to resolve real-life problems that may be causing distress, such as financial stress, work issues, or family conflicts. Problem-solving therapy can reduce feelings of helplessness and improve coping mechanisms, providing a foundation for better mental health.

How Psychotherapy Empowers Individuals to Manage Symptoms

Psychotherapy empowers individuals to become active participants in their own recovery, which is a critical factor in managing mental health conditions. It offers a supportive environment where individuals can explore their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors without judgment. By understanding the root causes of their depression or anxiety and learning coping strategies, people gain the tools needed to face their challenges directly.

Building Emotional Awareness and Resilience

One significant benefit of psychotherapy is its focus on emotional awareness. Many individuals struggle with identifying and understanding their emotions, which can exacerbate symptoms of anxiety and depression. Through therapy, people learn to recognize patterns in their thoughts and behaviors, making it easier to address negative thoughts and reduce emotional distress. Building this emotional awareness not only helps individuals manage their symptoms in the moment but also fosters long-term resilience.

Breaking the Cycle of Negative Thinking

Negative thoughts play a central role in anxiety and depression. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy focuses on breaking the cycle of these thoughts by challenging their validity and replacing them with more constructive perspectives. For instance, someone with depression may frequently think, “I’m a failure,” which can lead to low self-esteem and further depression symptoms. CBT helps individuals examine this belief critically and adopt a more balanced viewpoint, breaking the self-perpetuating cycle of negative thinking.

Gaining Practical Coping Skills

In addition to managing emotional distress, psychotherapy provides practical coping skills that individuals can use in their daily lives. Techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and relaxation exercises are commonly taught in therapy and are highly effective for managing anxiety. Learning how to calm oneself in moments of distress is a valuable skill, especially for those dealing with social anxiety or generalized anxiety disorder.

The Role of Mental Health Professionals

Mental health professionals, including psychologists, counselors, and psychiatrists, play a pivotal role in the therapeutic process. They bring expertise and understanding to the complexities of mental health, offering personalized guidance and support. It is essential for anyone struggling with depression or anxiety to work with a qualified professional who can accurately diagnose their condition and recommend the most suitable type of therapy.

Working with a mental health professional also provides accountability, which can be highly beneficial in the treatment process. Regular therapy sessions create a structured environment where individuals can track their progress, set goals, and receive consistent encouragement.

How to Find the Right Therapy for You

Deciding on the right type of therapy can feel overwhelming, but it’s essential to remember that there are many options available. Mental health professionals can provide assessments to determine which therapy might best address specific needs, whether it’s treating anxiety through exposure therapy, tackling depression symptoms with CBT, or working on relationship issues with IPT.

When looking for a therapist, it’s crucial to consider factors such as the therapist’s qualifications, experience, and specialization in treating anxiety or depression. Many people find success through a combination of therapies, such as using CBT to manage negative thoughts while participating in exposure therapy for anxiety-related triggers.

Conclusion

Psychotherapy is a powerful tool in managing anxiety and depression, offering hope and healing to those who struggle with these mental health conditions. From Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to exposure therapy, various therapeutic approaches address different facets of anxiety disorders and depression, providing individuals with practical strategies to lead more balanced, fulfilling lives. By breaking down negative thoughts, building coping skills, and working closely with mental health professionals, individuals can gain the resilience needed to face life’s challenges with renewed strength and confidence.

Ultimately, finding the right type of therapy can be transformative. For anyone experiencing depression or anxiety, seeking the guidance of a qualified mental health professional is the first step toward reclaiming their mental well-being.

Click here to learn about the psychotherapy services offered at Sasco River Center.

The holiday season, often portrayed as a joyous time, can ironically elevate feelings of stress and anxiety for many individuals, especially when it comes to navigating family dynamics. The pressure to create picture-perfect memories, coupled with unresolved conflicts and financial strains, can amplify emotions and heighten tensions within families. However, by adopting proactive strategies and seeking professional support, individuals can effectively manage this holiday stress and foster healthier relationships with their loved ones.

Acknowledging the Root Causes of Holiday Stress

Before jumping into coping mechanisms, it’s essential to understand the underlying factors that contribute to heightened stress levels during the holiday season. One significant catalyst is the societal expectation of perfection – the notion that everything should be flawless, meaningful, and beautiful. This unrealistic standard, often influenced by idealized portrayals on social media, can create immense pressure and set individuals up for disappointment.

Moreover, family gatherings can reignite long-standing conflicts, resentments, or strained relationships. Differing political or religious views, parenting styles, or life choices can become sources of contention, leading to heated discussions and emotional turmoil. Additionally, the financial burden associated with gift-giving, travel, and hosting can exacerbate stress levels, particularly for those already struggling with limited resources.

Establishing Realistic Expectations

One of the most effective ways to alleviate holiday stress is to adopt a more realistic mindset. Instead of striving for perfection, families should focus on cultivating an atmosphere of gratitude and appreciation for the opportunity to spend time together. By shifting their perspective and embracing the imperfections that are inherent in every family dynamic, individuals can alleviate the pressure to meet unrealistic expectations.

It’s also crucial to manage expectations regarding gift-giving and holiday activities. Engaging in open and honest conversations with family members, particularly children, can help establish reasonable boundaries and instill an understanding of responsible spending. Rather than attempting to accomplish an overwhelming array of tasks, families should prioritize the most meaningful traditions and take small, concrete steps towards achieving them.

Fostering Open and Effective Communication

Effective communication is a cornerstone of managing family stress during the holidays. Families should create a safe and supportive environment where individuals feel comfortable expressing their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment or criticism. By actively listening to one another and focusing on finding solutions rather than assigning blame, families can navigate conflicts more constructively.

It’s also essential to establish clear boundaries and communicate them respectfully to family members. Whether it’s setting time limits on gatherings, avoiding certain topics, or carving out moments of solitude, boundaries can help maintain a sense of control and prevent emotions from escalating.

Embracing Self-Care and Mindfulness Practices

The holiday season can be a whirlwind of activities, leaving little time for self-care and personal rejuvenation. However, neglecting one’s mental and physical well-being can amplify stress levels and diminish the ability to cope with challenging situations. Families should prioritize self-care by engaging in activities that promote relaxation, such as practicing mindfulness, meditation, or deep breathing exercises.

Physical activity can also play a crucial role in managing stress during the holidays. Encouraging family members to participate in outdoor activities, such as winter walks or hikes, can provide a welcome respite from the hustle and bustle while promoting overall physical and mental health.

Seeking Professional Support

In some cases, family stress may be deeply rooted or magnified by underlying mental health conditions, making it challenging to navigate without professional assistance. In such instances, seeking the guidance of a licensed mental health professional, such as a psychologist or family therapist, can be invaluable.

Psychotherapy provides a safe and non-judgmental environment where individuals and families can explore their challenges, identify unhealthy patterns, and develop effective coping strategies. Through evidence-based treatments, mental health professionals can help families improve communication, resolve conflicts, and foster healthier relationships.

Additionally, psychologists and therapists can offer strategies to adjust goals and expectations, address emotional issues, and promote overall well-being. Their expertise in understanding the mind-body connection can provide invaluable insights into managing stress and its physical manifestations.

Creating New Traditions and Embracing Change

While cherished traditions can bring comfort and familiarity, they can also become sources of stress if they no longer align with the family’s evolving needs or dynamics. In such cases, families should consider introducing new traditions or modifying existing ones to create a more positive and stress-free environment.

By embracing change and focusing on creating new memories, families can shift their attention away from past conflicts and instead cultivate a sense of excitement and anticipation for the future. This mindset shift can foster a more positive atmosphere and help family members feel more connected and supportive of one another.

Seeking Support from Loved Ones and Community

While professional support can be invaluable, it’s also essential to cultivate a strong network of loved ones and community members who can provide emotional and practical assistance during the holiday season. Engaging in volunteer work or participating in community events can foster a sense of connection and purpose, while also providing opportunities to give back and make a positive impact.

Furthermore, leaning on trusted friends or family members for support can alleviate feelings of isolation and provide a much-needed outlet for sharing concerns or seeking advice. By fostering these supportive relationships, individuals can cultivate a sense of belonging and resilience, which can help them navigate the challenges of the holiday season more effectively.

Practicing Gratitude and Focusing on the Positives

Amidst the stress and chaos of the holiday season, it’s easy to lose sight of the reasons for celebration. Encouraging family members to share what they are grateful for can shift the focus towards the positive aspects of the season and remind everyone of the true essence of togetherness and joy.

By actively seeking out and appreciating the small moments of happiness, whether it’s a shared laugh, a delicious meal, or a quiet moment of reflection, families can cultivate a more positive mindset and find joy in the present moment, rather than dwelling on the stressors or disappointments.

Embracing Diversity and Respecting Differences

The holiday season can also highlight cultural and personal differences within families, which can potentially lead to misunderstandings or conflicts. It’s essential for families to approach these differences with an open mind and a willingness to learn and respect one another’s perspectives.

Parents can use this time as an opportunity to initiate conversations with their children about the diverse holiday traditions celebrated by different families and cultures. By fostering an environment of acceptance and understanding, families can create a more inclusive and harmonious atmosphere during the holiday season.

Prioritizing Family Therapy and Ongoing Support

For families experiencing deep-rooted conflicts or long-standing patterns of dysfunction, seeking the guidance of a family therapist can be a transformative step. Family therapy provides a safe and structured environment where all members can voice their concerns, explore underlying issues, and work towards developing healthier communication and coping strategies.

Through the expertise of licensed family therapists, families can gain insights into their unique dynamics, identify unhealthy patterns, and develop practical tools for resolving conflicts and fostering stronger emotional connections. By committing to ongoing support and actively implementing the strategies learned in therapy, families can gradually heal and create a more positive and stress-free environment during the holiday season and beyond.

Conclusion

The holiday season, while meant to be a time of joy and celebration, can often be overshadowed by stress, anxiety, and family tensions. However, by adopting a proactive approach and seeking professional support when needed, individuals and families can effectively manage these challenges and create a more positive and stress-free environment.

By establishing realistic expectations, fostering open communication, embracing self-care practices, and seeking the guidance of mental health professionals, families can navigate the complexities of the holiday season with greater resilience and emotional well-being. Remember, the true essence of the holidays lies not in perfection but in the meaningful connections and shared moments of joy with loved ones.

Written by Jo Briggs, MS, LMFTA

Sometimes, resolving family challenges requires a different perspective. If you’ve ever wondered why addressing one issue doesn’t always tackle the broader dynamics, think of systemic therapy as a fresh approach to understanding and solving family problems. This approach embodies the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts—by looking at the family as an interconnected system, we gain insights that individual perspectives might miss.

Seeing the Big Picture

Systemic thinking is like switching from a magnifying glass to a wide-angle lens. Instead of focusing solely on a single problem or person, it helps us understand how everyone’s behavior, emotions, and interactions are intertwined. Here’s why this approach is a game-changer:

1. Connecting the Dots: Have you ever noticed how a small issue can sometimes explode into a bigger problem? Systemic thinking helps us connect the dots between different behaviors and emotions. For example, a child’s tantrum might be a reaction to parental stress, or a couple’s arguments could be influencing their kids’ moods. By seeing these connections, we can address the root cause rather than just the symptoms.
2. Spotting Patterns: Families often have recurring patterns that can be tricky to break. Whether it’s the same old argument cropping up or similar issues arising with different family members, systemic thinking helps us spot these patterns. Recognizing these repeating cycles is key to making lasting changes.
3. Boosting Communication: Ever had a conversation where you felt like you were talking in circles? Systemic therapy can help break those cycles by improving communication within the family. By understanding how everyone’s communication style impacts others, family members can learn to interact in healthier and more effective ways.
4. Empowering Everyone: Systemic thinking offers a refreshing alternative to blame and defensiveness. Instead of pointing fingers, it focuses on understanding how each person’s actions and interactions contribute to the family dynamic. By seeing how everyone’s behavior affects the entire system, family members can foster empathy and make positive changes that strengthen their relationships and support each other more effectively.
5. Building Stronger Bonds: When family members gain insight into each other’s perspectives and roles, it can deepen empathy and strengthen relationships. It’s like adding more pieces to the puzzle, making the whole picture clearer and more cohesive.

Let’s Put the Pieces Together

By viewing the family as an interconnected system, we’re better equipped to offer meaningful solutions that address the whole picture. Curious about how systemic thinking can make a difference in your family, relationship, or personal growth? Contact The Family Center today, and let’s start putting those puzzle pieces together for a healthier, happier family dynamic!

Written by Carrie Ross, MA, LMFTA, Certified Parent Coach

Who are you and where did my partner go?! Seven years into marriage, a gaggle of kids (or not!) and an adversity or two and couples start to wonder, who I am married to and what happened to the relationship I thought we had! Couples can feel a sense of sadness, dissatisfaction at the ways the marriage has dissolved over time. They are at a crossroads, almost a crisis and neither partner can see their way forward.

As a marriage and family therapist, I want to tell you that marriage and relationships have developmental stages and changes throughout a lifespan. In other words, there are times in a relationship where we feel close and connected and at other times distant. And in those times of disconnection or distance, conflict or seasons of winter there are ways to heal hurts and improve the connection. Here are five ways to (re)build a strong partnership!

Make Time to Be Together

Life is busy!  It is easy to HAVE a relationship, live with one another, but go day after day as ships pass in the night. Whether it is kids, work, friends, health issues, aging parents, to name a few usual suspects, it can sometimes feel like you’re on automatic pilot without control of your time. The tricky thing about living this way, is that there is a decrease in affection and emotional responsiveness which, over time creates conflict. You see, when we feel alone we start to long for our partner. And when our partner is unavailable we often see disconnection or conflict start.

Truly connecting with your spouse will look different in every relationship, but the universal message for all couples is time together makes each of you feel safe, seen and loved. Start with the free and under a moment interactions like: send messages of encouragement throughout the day rather than to honey to do lists. Intentionally smile when your partner comes in the door or when your eyes meet across the room. Saying “Thank you” for what they do can go a long way and only takes a second. Taking on one thing you know that matters to your partner is an action that can be quick and say so much about how you see them. Creating the mental space to think of the other person and make a bid for connection can have a big impact. Lastly, make time for dates and vacations together. It is a good idea to take time away from the kids. Not only does it model the importance of the adult relationship, it can help rejuvenate a partnership that will have impact in the day to day life. Be the marriage you want your kids to have later in life. NOTE: Both partners are responsible for the planning! If vacations or dinner’s out are out of the question, maybe linger at the dinner table a little longer together after the kids run off or have a seven minute cup of coffee together in the morning.

Practice your Listening Skills 

Time in the same room is only helpful if we practice the art of engagement. The most important skill is listening. Many people listen to respond to one another rather than listen to understand.

Imagine (paint the picture or see the image) what your partner is really sharing. See if you can feel their emotion, almost as if you experience what they are experiencing. You don’t have to agree with your partner’s point of view, but listening to understand tells your partner “ I am here and want to know you.” Many times, this goes a very long way!

Get Curious

While you are in conversations practicing your listening skills, get curious! Many couples who have been together for some time have a notion that they “know” their partner so well. While this may be true, another truth is that we all evolve over the years. Rather than ask How was your day? Ask questions to get at  How did you experience your day?  While we may know our partner well, we can still learn how their life is feeling to them, what is shifting for them in their goals and aspirations, or what is depleting or energizing to them. Talking about this stuff not only gives us a window into our partner but also gives them space to know themselves better.  Coming from a place of already knowing what your partner thinks and feels doesn’t really leave room for curiosity or possibility that they may have changed their thoughts or feelings.

Validate Your Partner

When your partner brings something to your attention that is bothering them, what are they met with? Do you find yourself getting defensive, dismissing their share, using humor and minimizing or even pulling away and shutting down? These are all common behaviors that leave our partner feeling unheard and alone when they bring vulnerability.

Instead, when our partner brings up a topic that is scary or sensitive for them they are often looking to be heard and validated. Some validating phrases are: “ thank you for telling me this” , “ I never thought about it that way” ,“ it makes sense why you felt X.” These validating, non-judgmental statements help a person feel like their partner wants to know how they are feeling. Validating statements can also include active listening, repeating back what your partner said or using curiosity by asking a follow up question like “ so when this happened, you felt this, did i get that right?” Or “That sounds like it left you feeling similar to when you experience X that other time, right?” As said earlier, you are not agreeing or saying they are “right” you are just getting an idea of what they think and how they feel and letting them know you understand. Often when our partner feels heard and understood they will naturally and instinctually ask for our opinion!

Repair Disconnection

Lastly, when you and your partner argue, which is inevitable, couples that stay together repair with one another! This takes courage and humility, as it usually includes someone admitting wrongdoing, or taking accountability for their own behavior and how it impacted the other person. Repair after a relational rupture is the #1 factor in healthy relationships. Brushing things under the rug, or just not addressing the hard conversations creates resentment and built up anger over time. Admitting you see your partner hurting is vital to the strength of the bond and builds resilience within the marriage. It doesn’t mean you meant to, often we are “lost in translation” and just sharing we see how it hurts them. We are NOT saying we meant to be hurtful!

Final Thoughts

After reading this blog, my hope for you is that you will pick one to use with your partner. Watch over time how you get better at it and how it impacts the relationship. I also invite you to notice what you and your partner DO use already. And if you continue to struggle to implement these skills or the resentment built feels too big to resolve, it might be a great time to come explore couples therapy.  It means you are doing the hard work of staying in a good relationship with your partner and may need some support in moving through the entire conflict or conversation.

Interested in exploring couples therapy at The Family Center?

Written by Caroline Segal, PhD

The term “self-care” gets casually thrown around all the time. Overwhelmed at work? You need self-care. Kids stressing you out? Engage in self-care. Problems in your marriage? Self-care. Feeling down? Self-care. For some people, the term itself may sound abrasive, almost like an accusation that you’re not doing enough. As a parent, finding time for self-care is no easy feat, and our best intentions for making space are often overruled by temper tantrums, needing to get dinner on the table, and bedtime routines.

All that said, the value of self-care is immeasurable. You know when you get on an airplane, and the flight attendant says, “In case of emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself before you assist others?” There is true sagacity in this guidance. You can’t be there to help your kids, your spouse, your parents, your coworkers, your friends, etc., etc., etc., if you can’t breathe. But self-care does not have to be a hard-fought endeavor. There are ways to tend to your needs that don’t require immense amounts of time, money, and, most importantly, stress!

The key to self-care is to practice it mindfully – meaning that you stay present in the moment. When you are taking time for yourself, your mind may wander to think about all the things you have to do today or how worried you are about the staff meeting tomorrow. That’s okay. Just notice that your mind drifted, then try to bring it back to what you’re doing. It takes practice, but it gets easier. Read on for some simple guidelines to build mindfulness into your daily dose of self-care:

Quality Over Quantity

If you’re able to get away for a spa day or take a 90-minute spin class, that’s awesome. Good for you! But for many of us, that kind of time for ourselves is just a pipe dream. That’s okay! What matters more than the amount of time you can give to yourself is how you use the time you have.

I encourage parents to be creative about how they use the time they already have for themselves. For example, taking a shower. Even if you don’t have time to take a shower every day, or your shower is only five minutes long with a crying toddler banging on the door the whole time, you can make that time count by mindfully engaging all of your senses:

• Watch the stream of the waterfall coming out of the showerhead. Notice how thick or thin the stream is, what color the water appears, how it splashes on the ground below you, what water beads look like as they accumulate on your skin.
• Listen to the sound of the water pouring down, the squishy sound of soap as you lather it in your hands, the sound your feet make as they slide along the floor.
• Buy shampoo with your favorite scent. Inhale deeply as you lather and let the smell coat your nostrils. Pay attention to what feelings come up – the sense of smell is very closely associated with memory and emotions!
• Taste the water as it streams past your mouth. What does it taste like? What does the temperature feel like? What is the texture like?
• Feel the slipperiness of the water on your skin. Feel how soap changes from smooth to bubbly as you rub it between your fingers. Pay attention to the sensation of shampoo running from the top of your head, down your back, between your toes, and off your skin.

You might be surprised how many daily activities can be transformed into moments of self-care with intentional practice. Even washing the dishes or folding laundry can become a grounding time for yourself to focus on how these activities engage all five senses. 

“Zone In” 

So often, when we do get alone time, we want to zone out. How many times have you sat down to an episode of television at the end of a long day only to realize 22 minutes flew by and you can’t remember anything that happened? It may seem desirable to zone out, but we get so much more out of zoning in. Meaning engaging with that moment. If you’re watching a comedy, notice what it feels like when your body erupts in laughter. If you’re watching something sad, attend to the changes it evokes in your body and state of mind. Even if you feel too exhausted to actively stay present, notice that feeling and honor where your body is in that moment.

Pack Snacks

This may sound simple, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met with a parent for a 2:00 pm session and noticed they looked pale and tired, only to have them realize they haven’t had anything to eat or drink all day. Sometimes we get so caught up in everybody else’s needs that we completely forget to think about our own. It’s okay. You are doing your best. But just like that oxygen mask on an airplane, you won’t be able to tend to other people’s needs if you don’t meet your basic ones first. Sure, there may be days when you don’t have time to sit down for breakfast. But you can plan ahead by always having snacks in your bag – such as a granola bar, some trail mix, a packet of peanut butter, a couple of clementines – anything quick, portable, and ideally filling! It’s also essential to make sure you carry a bottle of water with you. It would be way more disruptive to end up hospitalized for dehydration than to stop and take a sip of water every once in a while!

Regular mindfulness practice has been shown to reduce stress, improve mood, and even increase productivity. If the above suggestions feel confusing or challenging to implement, you may want to start with something more guided. A quick YouTube search for “mindfulness meditation” will give you a selection of guided meditations of differing lengths of time – some are 1-2 minutes, some 5-10, some up to 30, depending on what works for you. The app Headspace also has a great selection of guided mindfulness tapes to get you going.

Whatever you do to engage in self-care, remind yourself that you are not just indulging yourself. Making the space for self-nourishment is not only self-serving; it serves your entire family because it means you will have the mental and physical energy to continue to be there for them, too. It’s also a great way to model for your children that everybody must take care of themselves! You need to have your own needs met, and you deserve to take some time for yourself. Happy self-caring!