Connection Builds Strong Families

Written by Patricia Finnegan, MA, LMFTA

Can you think of a time when your child was anxious, sad, or angry about something in their life and without exchanging a word you knew something was bothering them? Perhaps you were curious but not intrusive, asked what was going on and listened actively without judgment or trying to fix their feelings. Were you able to mirror or reflect your child’s emotions back to them at that moment? You listened with genuine curiosity, concern and support. The innate nature of an emotional connection between parent and child is expressed in everyday interactions. Being attuned to our children and partners is essential to nurturing a strong emotional connection in our family relationships. 

The Importance of Parental Attunement

The field of neuroscience has explored the connection between parent and child for decades learning unequivocally that parental attunement during childhood impacts us well into adulthood. The human brain is wired to desire connection, closeness and attachment. When a parent is responsive to a child’s emotional and physical needs, this is attunement. It is what secure attachment and connection is built upon. 

Attunement, understanding how others feel and showing empathy for their experience, cultivates a deep relationship and lasting connection. It also offers children of all ages the ability to learn how to identify, understand and manage their own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. When children feel heard, seen, validated, they start to trust in their own developing sense of self. They hear their own voice when thinking through tough decisions and build confidence that they can make hard choices. This allows them to develop healthy self-esteem, tolerate delayed gratification, and build resilience — the ability to bounce back during adversity. 

Of course, no parent/child relationship is in constant attunement. Take the example at the beginning. Instead of engaging in an attuned and connected manner, you tell your child how they “should” feel, think and and explain the”best” way to have handled a situation or problem. You might even offer to solve the problem for them Instead of mirroring their emotions and thoughts, providing support and validation. You are instead dismissive or unintentionally minimize what they are feeling. Often this approach leads to the conversation ending abruptly or an argument ensuing, or both. An opportunity for healthy, supportive connection is lost. This is what mis-attunement looks like and It leaves children feeling unable. 

When parental mis-attunement is frequent, children feel unheard, unseen, unworthy. They can internalize this lack of attunement to their needs as meaning their feelings and thoughts are not important or valid. As a result, children adopt a sense of self shame, low self-esteem, and a strong inner critical voice. Over time, their sense of self is compromised and as they grow, they will often mistrust or lack awareness of their own emotions and thoughts. This negative emotional experience can put children at a higher risk of developing persistent depression and anxiety related disorders. 

Five Tips to Strengthen the Parent/Child Connection and Build Self Esteem, Self Worth and Confidence in Children

1) Curiosity, Acceptance and Support. Be genuinely curious about your child’s emotions and experiences. Ask questions that empower self confidence in children’s ability to understand and manage difficult emotions and situations. “What do you think about this” or “ How would you like to solve this problem/situation ” offers safety for children to self-reflect . It also lets them know their feelings, perceptions and ideas matter. And, offers safety to self reflect. Validate your child’s feelings and experience and let them know it is safe to share with you. Be supportive, actively listen and encourage them to think through their difficult emotional experiences or problems, while letting them know they are not alone with it all. 

2) Separate yet connected. Recognize your own feelings and perceptions are different from your child’s. And vice versa. Emotions in a family system are contagious and children often adopt the emotions and behaviors of parents. When parents struggle with anger, anxiety or even depression children can sometimes take on related symptoms of those emotions. Ask yourself, ‘Is it my child that is anxious, or are they anxious in response to my mood, behavior or emotional state?’ Notice how you express emotions and that it will inform how their children learn to express their emotions, both internally and externally. Do you notice your reactions and how they are perceived by your children? Are you curious about how your reactions impact your children? Self awareness is invaluable. What you say, how you say and how you behave matters. 

3) Past and Present. Every family system carries within it learned behaviors and patterns of relating which are transferred from generation to generation. When you think about emotional connection within your family of origin, what do you notice? What do you carry into your present relationship with your children, and even your partner, from your own childhood experience? How is your parenting and ways of connecting (or not) influencing your children’s behavior or emotional life? As parents, we sometimes unknowingly replicate what we learned in childhood.

4) No parent is perfect. Moments of mis-attunement are inevitable. When you notice you could have handled a situation with your child in a more attuned manner, circle back and attempt repair. Communicate with your child your regret, note that you recognize what you’d like to have done or said differently, apologize. This models the art of apology but also communicates how important they and the relationship is to you. 

5) Time matters and everything takes time. Prioritize taking time to engage with your children, really listen to them, be curious about them and enjoy getting to know them for who they are. You might even get to know yourself better through your relationship with your children. 

Attunement is not always easy. It is not a strategy or a short term fix it goal but rather part of the evolving journey of parenting. At times, attunement to our children, and partners, will come more intuitively. These are the moments to note. We can learn from occasions of attunement and make choices to engage more often. Attunement is not about perfection, it is about creating and maintaining a strong connection over time.