Navigating the Tween Years: Understanding Your Child’s Incredible Growth

Based on a presentation delivered by Dr. Christopher Bogart, Executive Director, Sasco River Center

The tween years—roughly ages 12 to 15—can feel like a wild ride. One minute your child is laughing at silly jokes, and the next they’re questioning everything, pushing boundaries, and feeling deeply misunderstood. It’s a time of rapid growth, both inside and out, and while it can be challenging, it’s also full of possibility.

As a parent, you might sometimes wonder: What happened to my easygoing kid? The answer lies largely in the brain. During these years, your child’s brain is going through one of the most significant growth spurts since infancy. This explosive development affects everything from their mood to their motivation, friendships, schoolwork, and how they see themselves in the world.

According to Dr. Jacquelynne Eccles, a well-known expert in adolescent development, what happens between ages 12 and 15 lays the groundwork for a child’s long-term success—not just academically, but emotionally and socially, too. During this time, tweens are beginning to ask big questions like “Who am I?” and “Where do I belong?” They’re trying on different identities, testing limits, and bouncing between needing independence and craving reassurance.

What’s Going on in Their Brain?

Three major brain systems are changing all at once:

• The reward system becomes extra sensitive, making tweens more responsive to exciting or risky experiences. This is why peer approval, social media likes, and even roller coasters can feel so intense.
• The relationship system shifts dramatically, and friendships start to matter more than ever. Being part of a group—or feeling left out—can feel all-consuming.
• The regulatory system, which helps with emotional control, impulse management, and decision-making, is still under construction. So, it’s no wonder your child may struggle with mood swings, forgetfulness, or overreactions.

In other words, your tween isn’t trying to drive you crazy—this phase just comes with a lot of internal rewiring.

Emotions Run High—And That’s Normal

Tweens are learning how to be independent, but they’re still figuring out how to do that gracefully. They may switch from sounding wise beyond their years to needing help tying their shoes—sometimes in the same afternoon. They start caring more about how they look, how they’re perceived, and whether they “fit in.” Social media can amplify these feelings, making self-comparison and anxiety even more common.

But here’s the good news: they still need you—and they’re watching you.

Brené Brown says it beautifully: “Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.” Being a strong role model doesn’t mean being perfect. It means showing up honestly, setting kind but firm limits, and showing your child that it’s okay to be a work in progress.

What Parents Can Do

You don’t need to solve every problem or fix every misstep. What your child needs most is a calm, caring adult who listens, keeps showing up, and helps them feel safe—even when they’re pushing back. Here are a few ideas that can help:

• Focus on connection. Take time to really listen. Ask questions that go beyond “How was your day?” and show that you care about what matters to them.
• Stay consistent. Tweens do better with clear expectations and boundaries. Discipline works best when it’s based on connection, not punishment. Natural, respectful consequences help kids learn and grow.
• Create small moments of closeness. Whether it’s a nightly walk, weekend breakfast tradition, or shared TV show, these routines build trust and security.
• Encourage movement and mindfulness. Physical activity—like sports, dance, or yoga—can help tweens manage stress and improve focus. Mindfulness practices and breathing techniques can also be powerful tools.
• Prioritize sleep. Tween brains need a lot of rest to keep up with all the changes. A consistent bedtime routine goes a long way.
• Help them build emotional awareness. Encourage your child to notice and name their feelings. Talk through choices and coping skills so they learn how to handle stress in healthy ways.

School Support Matters, Too

You’re not alone in supporting your tween. Schools play a big part during this stage of life. When educators and families work together, kids benefit. Schools can help tweens feel they belong by creating emotionally safe environments, encouraging student leadership, and giving opportunities for creative expression and real-world problem-solving.

Take the Long View

When you’re in the thick of it—managing mood swings, eye rolls, or slammed doors—it can feel overwhelming. But try to zoom out. These years are about learning, stretching, and becoming. Your child is becoming who they are—and you get a front-row seat to that transformation.

You don’t need all the answers. You just need to walk alongside your tween with love, patience, and curiosity. With your support, this period can be one of tremendous growth, resilience, and connection for your whole family.

Recommended Reading for Parents

Recommended Reading for Parents of Tweens

• Raising Resilient Children by Robert Brooks & Sam Goldstein
• Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
• Intraconnected by Dan Siegel
• Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect by Matthew Lieberman
• Building Resilience in Children and Teens by Kenneth Ginsburg